I’m always looking for the next opportunity to sit on my laurels. That’s why, when a casual glance at the ol’ iPhone revealed that I had received an e-mail from the Delta Psi Chapter of the Phi Sigma Pi honors fraternity, I felt my heart go aflutter at the invitation to engage in a “fusion of scholarship, leadership, and fellowship.” I, like any student with “outstanding academic achievement[s],” know that the kind of people who use the word “fusion” in reference to something other than cuisine are the kind of people I want to hang out with. They, like me, purchased a $2.99 word-of-the-day app over a year ago, which they have not once opened.
Anxious to seize this exciting new opportunity to feel better about that time I played video games instead of doing my homework, I read on rapaciously. “Phi Sigma Pi is an active campus organization,” I read. Good. I don’t want any of those non-active, sluggish organizations dragging down my schedule of extracurricular activities. Phi Sigma Pi also, the e-mail informs me, supports the quality of “brotherhood.” Hmm … as a woman, I’ve never longed for “brotherhood,” but no matter, I have an awesome GPA, and as a student with an awesome GPA, I can only look to join organizations that praise my awesome GPA. The brothers of Phi Sigma Pi are also excited to meet my friends, the e-mail joyously informs me! I don’t like this part of the e-mail, actually, as the implication that my friends are also eligible to join Phi Sigma Pi opens up the possibility that I will not be able to lord my membership over them.
Wait. What’s this? My inbox is crowded with nine, no twenty — twenty more replies to Phi Sigma Pi’s electronic courtship! Messages, maybe, from fellow intelligent brethren looking for a special organization that they can pay special dues to? Or maybe missives from other students with e-mail signatures that exaggerate their job descriptions? Long-lost late-night procrastinators looking for friends to ‘study’ with in the PCL? Wait, these are remove me from your list requests? My jaw drops. I am flabbergasted. Are there students un-enticed by the siren call of Phi Sigma Pi?
An angry reply-all-er claims that over 50 percent of students are eligible for membership. But I, I was invited to apply to Phi Sigma Pi, honors fraternity. Wait — my future fraternity fights back! One zealous e-mailer and Phi Sigma Pi defender spits back that only 19,000 students were e-mailed. Phew. I heave a sigh of relief as my ego scabs over. I knew I was special.
Wright is a Biology and Plan II junior from San Antonio.